"It was almost no trick at all, he saw to turn vice into virtue and slander into truth, impotence into abstinence, arrogance into humility, plunder into philanthropy, thievery into honor, blasphemy into wisdom, brutality into patriotism, and sadism into justice. Anybody could do it; it required no brains at all. It merely required no character." - Joseph Heller (Catch-22)
"With rubber balls in my hands I could deny there were crab apples in my cheeks. Every time someone asked me why I was walking around with crab apples in my cheeks, I'd just open my hands and show them it was rubber balls I was walking around with, not crab apples, and that they were in my hands, not in my cheeks. It was a good story. But I never knew if it got across or not, since it's pretty tough to make people understand you when you're talking to them with two crab apples in your cheeks." - Joseph Heller (Catch-22)
He knew everything about literature, except how to enjoy it." - Joseph Heller (Catch-22)
"The tree does not die, it waits." - Hermen Hesse
"Truth has a protean face which man can look at fearlessly, since he is unable to recognize it." - Jean Cocteau (The Holy Terrors)
"The well-knit beauty of the body hides a being of manifold states and strivings." - Hermen Hesse (Steppenwolf)
"What do you think I'm like you, shittin' all over town, leavin' your mark?" - Coworker to another coworker
"They get that anal ummm........they get that skin disease." - Coworker (So you know, "anal" must've been some sort of Freudian slip, which is why this is funny.)
"She's got a full blown teeth, she's like a shark" - Coworker (describing her miniature poodle)
"Are you kidding me? You have to pay for everything now a days. You can't even take a dump without buying tokens." - Alex
"Quite eliscied delicious drink" - Alex
"Hey bacteria trap!! Wanna go swimmin'?" - Alex
"There is ripe fruit over your head." -Henry David Thoreau
"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live." - Henry David Thoreau
"Cultivate the habit of early rising. It is unwise to keep the head long on a level with the feet." - Henry David Thoreau
"Man is the only creature that refuses to be what he is." - Albert Camus
"After a certain age every man is responsible for his face." Albert Camus
"My truths are as cruel as my lies" - meesh
"It ain't no sin to take off your skin, and dance around in your bones." - Tom Waits
"Whatever you buy, is the right thing to do" - QVC
"She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed, as upholstered." - James Matthew Barrie
"Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak." - Woody Allen (Getting Even)
"Let me be the first to admit that the naked truth about me is to the naked truth about Salvador Dali as an old ukulele in the attic is to a piano in a tree, and I mean a piano with breasts." - James Thurber
"My mother hates the sound of my voice, too." - Mrs. Lehman (H.S. art teacher)
"You know bout my cousin Ted Bundy's situation? Somewhere during his trial, he fathered a child. It makes me think of an image something like this." - Mrs. Lehman (said about my sister's perspective drawing)
"Lehman is a dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, old lady." - Mrs. Lehman
"Breasts dont usually come out of shoulders, so maybe you'd like to lower yours." - Mrs. Lehman (about someone's drawing)
"A peg leg is attractive to us-we even lathe and varnish them at our home in hopes that we'll meet a gentleman who needs one." - Melora Creager
"We were just babies the day we were born, but since that time, we've dedicated ourselves to self-denial, self-flaggelation and the flatulence of others." - Melora Creager
"I am the reluctant leader of The Bowel Movement." - Melora Creager
"Oh, mountain biking's fine. So is jet skiing and paratrooping. But when it comes to the pathetic sashay of the Satan Shoe wearing Rollerblader, I turn away in disgust and beg you to do the same." - Melora Creager
"Sports have failed us, as have the cult of the Automobile and the plastic arts. We look instead to the Dairy Council for how to be. Excessive mucus and blocked bowels are a small price to pay for a sense of purpose." - Melora Creager
"Yeah, we tell prophecy through mashed potatoes, but our most powerful power is our power to tell by sight if someone is wearing a uterine plug." - Melora Creager
"A celebratory celebration to celebrate our circulation" - Principal Blackman (Strangers with Candy)
"I can make sense out of yesterday; can you understand the power of that?" - Elmo Oxygen (Schizopolis)
"have sex. do drugs. play videogames. go fuck yourself, faggot." - Benjamin Franklin, 1759 (Rob)
"The field of glory is no place for the malformed or abnormal." - Principal Blackman (Strangers With Candy)
"Hey now, guys, look... I do not wanna do anything illegal here, but I would kill somebody in front of their own mama to get a ten-speed. And if anybody testifies against me, I'd gouge their eyes out." - Meatwad (Aqua Teen Hunger Force)
"We think that we want to contribute to society through daiamond drilling and wire sawing." - Engrish.com
"if this chocolate is included in a mouth, it will melt mellowly in a mouth. and the delicate scent of beer will charm you" - Engrish.com
"It's nice to be a watermelon pig. We can eat watermelon as much ass. we want. Because we live in watermelon hills." - Engrish.com
"Do you like bowling? Let's play bowling. Breaking down the pins and getting hot communication." - Engrish.com
"The Aztecs didn't become a great empire by not casting virgins into volcanos" - Steven Colbert (The Daily Show )
"It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son." - Jon Stewart
"What a funny face! Are you a woman, really? Or an artichoke?" - The Fool (La Strada)
"How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?" - Steven Wright
"What contemptible scroundrel stole the cork from my lunch?" - WC Fields
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me." - Emo Philips
"Douching. There doesn't seem to be a place for it. Are you sure that product is for us? That, and trying to explain yourself when someone catches you peeing sitting down. 'Look, I was tired! My legs gave out!'" - Jon Stewart (In answer to the question, "What's the hardest thing about being a man?")
"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land." - Jon Stewart
"And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire." - Milton (Office Space)
"You better watch who you're calling a child Lois. Because if I'm a child, do you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert!" - Peter (Family Guy)
"You don't scrub dirt up from being a PUSSY!!!!!" - Alex!
"You're just a rack of bones covered in a thin layer of fag." - Jerri Blank (Strangers with candy)
"Lets go watch some gay porn so we can get our hate back." - Derrick Blank (Strangers with candy)
"I'm an obtuse man, so I'll try to be oblique." - Principal Blackman (Strangers with candy)
"I'm her Stepmother. Since you're so popular, I wouldn't want you thinking that she slithered out of my womb." - Sara Blank (Strangers with candy)
"How many of you wanna wake up in a public bathroom, lying in a pool of what you HOPE is your own filth?" - Jerri Blank (Strangers with candy)
"your faggotry makes me feel more like a man than any woman ever has" - meesh
"A rich man's pocket may weigh heavy with frankincense and myrrh, but a poor man knows the value of a nickel." - meesh
"The ultimate goal in a man's life should be to wear the cloth draped upon another man's testicles. Unless, of course, those testicles are saturated in sweat." - *blush*
"I was working at the Butcher shop the other day & this guy comes in and I say 'Hey you thinkin' about buyin' some steaks?' And he says 'No, I'm buyin' some steaks. I'm thinkin' about poontang." - Stu the Meat Man (Strangers with Candy)
"...Who killed a man, ate him, and claimed it was consentual..." - News
"The only thing we hate more than a racist, is a Spic." - (Strangers with Candy)
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels." - Groucho Marx
"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that." - Steve Martin
"There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee...that says, fool me once, shame on...shame on you. Fool me...you can't get fooled again." - Bush (what the shit!)
"The problem with the French, is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur." - Bush
"There is no where to ride grassy bikes" - Tom
"...it's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!" - George (Seinfeld)
"I've got the body of a taut, preteen Swedish boy" - Kramer (Seinfeld)
"Wit is educated insolence." - Aristotle
"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats." - Woody Allen
"I have good kids, I love my kids. I try to bring them up the right way, not spanking them. I find that I don't have to spank them. I find that waving the gun around pretty much gets the same job done!" - Denis Leary
"You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike." - Dave Attell
"You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, 'Fuck it just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a bag at the airport'." - Dave Attell
"Sex is not that important; it's the afterward part when you're naked and it's warm. Watching the sun come up through the windshield you look in her good eye and you help strap on her leg and you know: you fucked a pirate." - Dave Attell
"You ever make fun of somebody so much that you feel you should thank them for all the good times you've had?" - Dave Attell
"Yeah don't worry Jerry, we're right on this guy like stink on a monkey!" - Kramer
"In the year 2000, a college student will smoke marijuana for the first time. He will then realize that 'soy milk' means 'I am milk' in Spanish. He will then laugh for 6 straight hours." Conan O'Brien
"This may be the benzadrine talkin', but you're a slice of man meat, and this perscription says 'take with food'" - (SNL)
"Sorry, card says 'moops!' "- George (Seinfeld)
"...I wake up with seven or eight corpses on the floor." - a previous manager
"Aww, that's wonderful! You've laid your brood of eggs in my navel! ha ha ha! We're gonna be mommies!" - Captain Murphy (Sealab 2021)
"I was gonna say, I didn't know I was that much on drugs..." - a previous manager
"You might find a prettier chicken." - a previous manager
"My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!" - Grandpa Simpson
"Okay, Candy, I guess we're NOT in America. I guess I'm not ALLOWED to pay for sex with pennies." - Carl
"So I put two and two together...there..heh...and decided that you're pissin' me off" - Carl
"It was like I was swimming through a flabby armed spanking machine!" - Kramer
"Y'know, there was a time... there was a time when I felt like an old rag with a stain you couldn't get out, and you... you were like a piece of rotting fruit on a window sill. And it was great." - Mrs. Munson
"Dear attractive woman number 2, only once in my life have I responded to a person the way I've responded to you, but I've forgotten when it was or even if it was in fact me that responded. I may not know much, but I know that the wind sings your name endlessly, although with a slight lisp that makes it difficult to understand if I'm standing near an air conditioner. I know that your hair sits atop your head as though it could sit nowhere else. I know that your figure would make a sculptor cast aside his tools, injuring his assistant who was looking out the window instead of paying attention. I know that your lips are as full as that sexy french model's that I desperately want to fuck. I know that if for an instant I could have you lie next to me, or on top of me, or sit on me, or stand over me and shake, then I would be the happiest man in my pants. I know all of this, and yet you do not know me. Change your life; accept my love. Or, at least let me pay you to accept it." - Dr. Jeffrey Korchak
"Im not crazy, I haven't pissed myself or anywhere else in a long time." - who else?
"Poor cat has such a small anus" - jess
"I am as straight as they come. And by straight I mean I like women, and by come I mean on my face." - a man from the Larry Sanders show
"These eggs are disgusting, this chicken should be ashamed of himself!"
- "Yes, these are sweatshop eggs!" - Kramer
"Whats with all the mugwump jizm?" - (Naked Lunch)
"...but this morning I threatened to shoot a naked woman with my erection, and that doesn't happen everyday." - (see no evil, hear no evil)
"They should not make them do that in the sand, it makes them look so African."
- "They're supposed to look African..."
"Well.... thats not good" - jess
"Fuck you guys! No more of this mayonnaise... this shit! I'm outta here! Fuck you!" - Elmo Oxygen
"nellier than a pink poodle shit salad" - kristiva diva
"Is it unethical to tickle someone else's grandma?" - I R Baboon
"my theory is, once you approach the speed of light, you become your own grandma" - I R Baboon
"I got a lil fucking clitoris on the roof of my mouth" - jess
"I got beer in my eyes through my brain"- jess
"I'm fucking the bear like its my fuckin' brother" - jess
"yeah he is like an ass clot, he steals from everyone..." - Tom
"oh look, a cock doggie" - Mr. Bean
"I'm going to go inside and watch the Brady Bunch, and I don't mind telling you I find four of those children very arousing." - Duckman
"I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do." - Jack Handey
"If you rob a bank, and your pants fall down, its okay to laugh. and let your hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny." - Jack Handey
"We make the brain perfect before we blow it out." - O'Brian (1984)
"There is nothing more helpless and irresponsible than a man in the depths of an ether binge" - Hunter S. Thompson
"I shot an elephant in my pants. How he got there I'll never know" - Groucho Marx
"i have made an important discovery... that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication." - Oscar Wilde
"I wonder what the deaf child thinks of that sign.......they're like, 'i have eyes you fuckers!!!!'" - jugdish (refering to a "deaf child area" sign)
"Imagination is a quality given to a man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is." - Oscar Wilde
"I'm strangling on these rices!" - jess (drunk)
"One should either be a work of art, or wear a work of art." - Oscar Wilde
"once you start looking for indications that you are being used, you can find evidence everywhere. Paranoia." - Philip K. Dick (Confessions of a Crap Artist)
"I drink to prepare for a fight. Tonight I am very prepared." - Soda Popinski
"What we were after now was the old surprise visit. That was a real kick and good for laughs and lashings of the old ultraviolent. " - Alex (A Clockwork Orange)
"your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you." - Bill hicks